Twenty One Year Old Who Has Cut Off From the World

I totally understand what's happening to you. You are actually starving for love and connection; when you do become involved, a bottomless pit of need wakes up, you latch on to the other person for dear life and become obsessed. This is such an unpleasant and out-of-control feeling for you, that you protect yourself from this experience by keeping yourself far from attachments.

You may be wondering why you become so obsessed when you fall in love. There is only one cause for such a reaction: terrible emotional deprivation in childhood. You were so starved for love as a kid that your emotional tank is completely empty. The obsession that you feel when you fall for someone is the same type of total, engulfing obsession that all babies and young children feel for their mothers. A 'healthy' mother responds to this need and gives her almost undivided attention to the baby.  If the baby is 'fed' properly on all levels, he/she naturally begins to separate and discover the outside world. However, if the baby wasn't properly fed, if the mother was too damaged to give and respond, the child remains empty, unfulfilled and forever seeking a mother to bond with. In adulthood, that person may be clingy or possessive or totally obsessed when he/she falls in love. Rather than fall into that state, the person may choose to stay alone, all the while secretly craving a connection.

Obviously no adult relationship can replace what you lost in childhood. Only a good modern psychoanalyst can form a loving connection with you that can help you heal the scars. When the healing is underway, you will be able to form a relationship with a woman that isn't suffocating. Keep me posted on your progress.