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Two Girls Wanting the Same Guy

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/08/2002 - 7:00pm
in
April 8, 2002

Question

Dearest Dr. Love, I must tell you that I'm eternally thankfull to God for making wonderful and caring people like you. I admire your work and I wish you all the love, happiness, success and peace in the world. I hope you'll be able to answer my questions and help me understand things clearly. Here it goes. . .

A very good friend of mine that I've known for about 6 years now sent me a love poem, saying that he was in love with me. I wasn't too surprised, actually, I was happy. I've always felt an attraction toward him and I'm sure he's felt the same way toward me too but we never acted upon it. We've never kissed or anything. We're both shy people. I wanted to talk to him about the poem and let him know that I think I have feelings for him too, but I never had a chance.

You see, Dr. Love, there's this girl, a friend of his, who's always with him. She loves him and for the past 3 years she's been hanging out only with him. She's with him at least 5 days a week, she took the exact same courses as him in University, she registered with him at the gym, . . . She's also very possessive of him. I've asked him before if he loved her and he said no. He said he's told her that he only wanted them to be friends.

Anyway, I'm the kind of person who likes getting to the bottom of things, so I sent him an e-mail saying that I think we both have something to tell each other, if we could get over our shyness, and I let him know that whenever he`s ready to talk about why he sent me the poem, I'd be there. Guess what happened after that? Absolutely nothing! He e-mailed me back and never mentioned anything about the poem or about how he felt about me. I was so dissapointed. . . I called him (it seems like I'm always the one calling him and asking him out) recently at work to ask if he wanted to go to the movies this Tuesday, hoping to be alone with him, but guess who was there? His obsessed friend (who, by the way, pretends to really like me and who pretends not to mind that I'm his friend too!).

He said yes, he'd like to go out Tuesday and he mentioned that his obssessed friend'll be coming with us. After I hung up, I realized that I couldn't take this anymore and play this silly game: two girls wanting the same guy. I don't want to fight for him, I want him to come to me because I've done all I can do. Should I go out with them this Tuesday and act like I'm fine and Ivm ok with the way things are? It feels like he's playing with my emotions and my heart without meaning to do so.

I'm so confused and because of my low self-esteem, I started wondering why the heck would he want to be with me anyway, a girl with a less than perfect body, rather than with her, a girl with a model-thin body? I know this will sound foolish and stupid to you, but as of today I decided I would lose weight fast, by not eating, to look as beautiful as possible and then go to him after a month and hopefully he'll chose me and tell me whether he loves me or not. I don't know if playing hard to get is the best thing to do to make him come to me.

Do you think he has to chosen between me or her if he says he loves me? Should I tell him that I'm bothered by her presence and risk losing him, which I don't want to see happening? I'm hurting a lot and I don't know what to think and I'm not sure anymore whether I really do have feelings for him or I just want to hear that he loves me. Please help, I really need it. . . Be well and take care.


Answer

I was touched by your loving words and good wishes. When I read your letter, it struck me that you are loving to others, like me, but not so loving of yourself. You say you have a low self-esteem, and I'm not surprised.

Your self-esteem will never improve if you continue to mistreat yourself. One way that you mistreat yourself is by going against what feels right. Hanging out with this guy and his groupie certainly doesn't make you feel good, and still you do it. Another way that you drive your self-esteem lower and lower is by waiting around for this guy to build you up. You keep thinking that if he tells you that he loves you, then you will feel all right about yourself.

If you rely on someone else to prop you up, you place yourself in a terribly precarious situation. If he loves you, then you are validated and fine, and if he doesn't then you are nothing! What's more, you interpret the fact that he hasn't reciprocated your love in the most self-damaging light--that you aren't worthy of his love and/or that you aren't as desirable as the other girl.

You don't even consider that maybe he can't love you (or this girl who you, yourself, said is attractive) because something is broken inside him. He doesn't seem to feel too great about himself, and he may be unconsciously using the fact that two girls like him to build up his anemic ego. Or maybe the guy is scared of letting anyone near him. Meanwhile, you are giving him the power to make or break your own self-esteem.

I am sure that your not feeling good about yourself stems all the way back to your childhood. Your parents either put you down or didn't give you enough feedback about what is wonderful about you; perhaps they compared you unfavorably with your siblings or other people, which primed you to do the same to yourself (look at how you compare yourself to this groupie girl). My point is you need to work on improving your self-esteem.

This is a multi-faceted project that includes learning to love yourself and treat yourself well, learning how to properly interpret the events of your life so that you, yourself, actively build yourself up rather than tear yourself down, and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. If you can't follow my plan on your own, then find a therapist who will help you. Joining a therapy group would be ideal for you. The many voices of the group members will begin to crowd out your own distorted view of yourself. As you grow healthier, you will be able to make a proper choice regarding this guy.

It sounds to me like contact with him is very ungratifying and unhealthy. You are supposed to be with people who make you feel wanted and special. If he can't give you the right feeling, then he isn't the right guy for you. As you become healthier and feel more entitled to better treatment, you will find that it comes naturally for you to say what you want and don't want.

A person who loves herself and takes care of number one, makes sure to tell those close to her what she expects. It would be normal for you to say to him, 'I want to spend time alone with you, not as a threesome with your groupie. ' If he can't respond, then the healthier you will conclude that this guy is damaging to your self and you will move on. Keep in touch and let me know how you do.

- Doctor Love

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