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Uncomfortable With Physicality

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 07/06/1998 - 8:00pm
in
July 6, 1998

Question

I'm seventeen and have been going out with my first real boyfriend for about a month. He doesn't live near me but we get together pretty regularly. We met at a party and he came to my junior prom. We had an amazing time, and I started to find out what kissing really means. I've been getting to know him better and have found him to be a wonderfully caring and mature person whom I'm attracted to. He respects me and would never push me into anything physical.

However, I can't seem to get as enthusiastic about making out as he does. I always feel awkward, and uncomfortable, while he's completely into it. He has no trouble telling me things or asking me how I feel when we're making out, but I just can't talk about it. Maybe it's just that his hormones are raging and I've always tried to control mine. It really overwhelms me that he's so into me and whatever we're doing. I really want to be able to let go more and be able to enjoy the physical side of our relationship. Until recently I've avoided guys, since I used to be teased by them frequently. I've gotten my self esteem back and I have more male friends now who I trust. Will I ever be really comfortable with men? I don't want to ruin a really good relationship because I'm uncomfortable with the physicality.


Answer

I think that you are actually afraid to trust and be hurt or rejected. You said yourself that you have a history of being teased, so no wonder you are scared.

Your mind is trying to protect you by pulling back on your emotional reins. If you don't feel to much, if you don't enjoy the kissing, if you don't get too turned on, then you won't suffer as much if the relationship goes sour. You are the victim of an unconscious defense mechanism that is backfiring big-time.

So, I think you need to start talking to yourself. Ask yourself if this guy has given you any indication that he would love you and leave you? Is he the type to use you and then once you give yourself over to him, drop you? Ask yourself what's the worst that would happen if you enjoyed the kissing moments? You may think, then I will hurt more if he leaves. You might tell yourself that if you don't get into kissing him he may leave ( thinking you don't like him). In other words, your protective mechanism sends 'get away from me' vibes and you may end up dying by your own sword. Pushing him away before he has a chance to dump you.

So, my suggestion is to scrutinize this guy. If he passes your test and seems to be a sticker, not a runner, then go for it. Enjoy the kisses, enjoy the present moments. Don't live for the what ifs. Have you ever noticed that the what ifs that we agonize over usually don't come true? And, the things that we never possibly imagined happening in the future are the things that do happen. In other words, if you live your life bracing for future disaster, you will ruin your life and the future disaster you brace yourself for won't be the disaster that you braced for anyway. Point is, we need to live in the moment and deal with the curves as they come.

So, go for it and enjoy. Let me know how you make out. And, I mean that literally.

- Doctor Love

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