Very Confused

I can see why you are confused. By the way, you might be interested to know that confusion is a defense against feelings of anger. And, I wouldn't be surprised to know that you are actually quite pissed at your boyfriend. You say that your relationship is based upon honesty. So, why did he get an attack of honesty now, one year into the relationship, when you were already attached to him? Why didn't he tell you up front that he is gay? I can see why you would be furious at him for this disclosure. What he has done to you is a terrible betrayal, even an act of hostility. It's like he seduced you for a year and then dropped a bomb in your lap. Telling you he's gay, not even bisexual, makes me wonder why he's chosen to be with you. If he were bisexual and told you that he wants to make a choice to live a straight life, then we might say, O.K. he's not totally denying who he is, he's merely choosing to express one part of his sexuality and not the other. But, in this case, he says he's 100% gay, which is fine, but then why does he want to stay with you? I have the impression that he is extremely conflicted about his sexuality. If he sees himself as gay, then why isn't he with another man? Why would he want to deny his identity and make a life with a woman? If he says he loves you, that's fine and dandy, but why wouldn't he choose to love you as a friend? The point is, he seems to be consciously choosing to deny who he is. But, if he wants to live the straight life, then why is he hanging out in gay bars? That's like a recovering alcoholic spending his free time in bars. I wonder why your boyfriend is going to the gay bars? If not to meet a lover, then why go? When I create a picture of your friend at the gay bars, I have the picture of an acrophobic (a person with a fear of water) standing at the edge of a lake. That person is terrified of the water, but at the same time, he yearns to jump in. When your friend hangs out at gay bars, it feels like he's standing at the edge of the water. How long before he gets up the nerve to take the plunge (no pun intended). And, if he doesn't allow himself to take the plunge, how long will it be before he resents you and the relationship that he has with you? What I see is this? He defined himself as 100% gay, not bi. The fact the he isn't choosing to live the gay lifestyle means that he has terrible conflicts around being gay. But, he secretly wishes to live the gay life, as evidenced by his surrounding himself with other gay men and hanging out in gay bars. I think he needs to go into therapy and to clarify who he is and what he wants. He needs to find out why he wants to deprive himself of a gay relationship, and why he feels that he must force himself to live like a straight man. I can't see how you can move forward and make a life as a couple until he works these issues out. To use an analogy that applies to couples therapy. Let's say a couple comes in and says they want to save their marriage. The only problem is, one of the two is having an affair with someone else. That affair must stop before marriage counselling can occur. In other words, both partners need to be 100% commited to the relationship and to building a solid connection. How can your guy be 100% commited to a relationship with you when he tells you that he is, in his heart, if not in his actions, a gay man. Even though he isn't actively having an affair, can he be 100% commited to investing himself in a straight relationship and marriage? Maybe he says he can or thinks he can. Before he can commit to investing in a marriage or relationship with you, he needs to resolve the issue that prevents a 100% commitment. The fact that he says he is 100% gay. So, before you go forward, he needs to enter therapy and understand more about his decision not live the gay lifestyle. And, in order to protect yourself, I can't see how you can go forward until he works on this issue and comes to some resolution. Good luck to you both.