Very Troubled

Your girlfriend is caught in what I call 'Fight Traps ': ( Dysfunctional fighting tactics that ruin relationships). Her Fight Traps are: 'Bringing Up Ancient History' and 'Character Assasination '.

When your girlfriend hurls Ancient History in your face, you naturally feel attacked and defensive. In this defensive state of mind, you are unable to listen to what is bothering her. This means, another unresolved issue, more anger and frustration on her part, and more crap to be thrown up to you in the future. You are trapped in a major vicious cycle.

There is only one way to break this cycle.


1. You need to tell your girlfriend: 'I know I've said and done things to upset you in the past. Unfortunately, I can't change that. But I can start from now and try to understand what I did and how it made you feel. '

2. Next you must guide your girlfriend to focus on one issue--the current one: She must describe the behavior that upset her and state how that behavior of yours made her feel.

3. If she sidetracks onto Ancient History, steer her back to the current issue. As for the Character Assassinations we'll deal with that later in my answer.

4. Next, listen carefully to what she says is currently bothering her.

5. Repeat back what you heard and ask her if you have understood. Keep playing back what she says until she confirms that you have understood her.

6. Take responsibility for upsetting her. (Remember, her feelings of upset aren't wrong or right. They are just her feelings and they need to be understood if you want to resolve your conflicts and form a lasting relationship with her.) If you succeed in listening and understanding, she will feel much less angry with you.


Little by little, if you take care of business in the moment, there will be no Ancient History to throw in your face.

As for the Character Assassination ( 'she says very mean things '): Verbal abuse always turns up the heat on conflicts and leads to out of control fighting. If you want to get along, the verbal abuse must stop right now.

When she starts verbally smashing you, you need to:


1. Tell her that you understand that she feels angry with you, and you are willing to listen if she tells you directly what you did and why it made her angry, but you will not sit for verbal abuse any longer.

2. If she continues verbally creaming you, leave the room or the house. Soon she will get the message that if she wants to be heard, she's going to have to change her tune.


I suspect that she grew up watching parents verbally abuse each other (or she was verbally abused). And I sense that you too have watched this type of abuse and know no other way to deal with conflict. In any case, the above suggestions can help both of you adopt a healthier way of expressing anger.

By the way, I have a book coming out next fall that was written for you both. It will show you both how to end destructive fighting. I will announce its release at my site. This is not an easy problem but, if you work hard and stay focused, you can save this relationship.