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Very Troubled

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 11/04/2002 - 7:00pm
in
November 4, 2002

Question

I have a question about love and realtionships.

I am a divorced mother of a 2 1/2 year old. A year and a half ago i involved myself in a relationship with a married man. He has since then left his wife and he also has a child who is 4 1/2. We are very passionate towards one another and i feel in my heart as though i have never loved anyone like this before and he tells me the same thing. He is a very caring person and struggles with his son and the separation a lot. I feel like he is my one true love and he has told me that very thing before also.

We have broke up many times in the year and a half. He has broke up with me to try and work things out with his ex in order to be with his son. He has not moved back home but he continues to think that in order to be a father he has to be married to his son's mother. Well in the last 4 weeks he has been going to counseling and getting help with that, and says that it all had to do with his son.

Now his divorcee has been moved back until February and for me this is a major stress. i have taken him back each and every time, but there is a major trust issue here. He has hurt me very deeply and i do not know what to do. I am a complete wreck without him in my life. . . but i appear to be a wreck with him in it also.

Everyday that goes by that he is still married to her, is a dagger in our relationship. How can two people be able to move on and get past things if that cannot be finalized. I have told him that this time i will not see him until there are papers in his hand. , but it is killing me. February is a long time away and we talk everyday. We live an hour and a half away from one another.

I am not sure what to do. I cry all of the time becasue i do not want to be without him, but i have so much anger inside for the things that he has done to me. He has told me that he would never hurt me and the last time he said he would never do this to me again. . . and he did!!! Can i ever trust him again and how do i know if this is right?? Should i move on?? Should I wait for him?? Should I see him?? I am very troubled over this. . . . please respond soon!!!


Answer

You are very brave to take the stand that you have taken--that you won't see him until there are divorce papers in hand. The thing that makes you love him is his devotion. It is that very trait that has impinged on your relationship since, his loyalty to his boy always draws him back to him.

I would have to wonder why he thinks that he needs to go back with the ex. in order to be a good father to his son? Does he believe that a child needs to have two parents? Or is he using his son as an excuse to reunite with his ex. for whom he still has feelings? You can certainly ask these questions, but, as you said yourself, your trust has been tarnished. He may talk the talk, but he has shown you in the past that he doesn't walk the walk.

Since you are as miserable with him as you are without him, I would be inclined to say that you are better off being miserable without him, until you see the papers in hand. At least this course of action allows you to set boundaries for yourself, thereby preventing him from damaging you any further. Not allowing yourself to be victimized is the best medicine for your anger. Victims are enraged, but people who assert themselves are not.

When he is divorced, you can see how you feel at that time. It is impossible to answer the question how will you feel in the future in terms of your resentment and your inability to trust him until you are at that place. Only time will tell. So be strong and then revisit the above questions in February.

Meanwhile, make tracks to get on with your life. Go out with friends and enrich yourself. Just in case his own mixed feelings lead him to not follow through with the divorce, you won't feel'done to ' again if you are taking care of number one rather that putting your heart in his hands.

- Doctor Love

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