Wanting to Fight About the Important Stuff

I'm glad that you're a regular visitor and I'm glad that I've been able to help you out in the past. When I read your question, I had the impression that you think your boyfriend is largely responsible for the chronic fighting; and that all would be fine if he would go to anger management.

Because it takes two people to fight, you are going to need to understand your part in this problem. I hear that he has a short fuse. What I don't hear is what you are doing to set him off.

You also need to realize that no pattern continues unless it meets both partners needs. Therefore, as crazy as it may seem, we must assume that the fighting serves a purpose for you both as individuals and as a couple.

To break the pattern, you need to first understand what you both get out of keeping the fighting alive. Ask yourself, what do I get out of fighting with my boyfriend. I can think of a couple of things that you and your boyfriend accomplish by fighting with each other.

Many couples beat on each other as a way of releasing pent up anger that stems all the way back to childhood. Feelings from childhood don't disappear; they get buried alive and continually rise to the surface. If you couldn't tell your parents how mad you were at them, then your anger got buried and will periodically get vented on your partner.

What are some other possible gains you and your boyfriend may be obtaining by fighting with each other? Some people actually use anger as a way of avoiding too much closeness. Anger is a good distancing tool, so if you and your guy have mixed feelings about connection, anger sure does the trick.

Last but not least, some people actually connect by fighting. If you have never learned how to connect in a loving way, then fighting may be the only way you both know to get near each other. When you figure out what you both gain by fighting, you have taken the first step toward letting go of the pattern.

Once you are ready to let go, then you can on to resolve your conflicts using the methods I outline in my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), which should be mandatory reading for both of you.

Please keep me posted on your progress.