Wanting to Know Why You Abandon All Your Lovers

It sounds like you abandon your lovers in order to save yourself from suffocation. You say that all your lovers are controlling and demand that you give up pieces of your self. No wonder you abandon each of your lovers: you are running for your life! I think that the key issue here isn't that you abandon, it's the fact that you choose partners who make you need to get away. When you identify and resolve the forces inside yourself that lead you to choose such partners, you will be free to choose a different kind of lover, one who embraces rather than crushes your self. Then and only then will you feel safe to remain in the relationship, which means that your abandoning pattern should disappear.

Lets start by understanding why you choose partners who control you and swallow up your self. The reason will likely be found in your childhood--your relationship training ground. I suspect that you watched one of your parents control the other, or perhaps both your parents took turns controlling each other. The other possibility is that you, yourself, were raised by a parent or parents who controlled you and tried to force you to be who they wanted you to be rather than help you to be yourself. Because we humans gravitate to the familiar, you are, without realizing it, recreating the kind of relationship you observed or experienced growing up. As much as you hated watching your parent or parents be controlled and/or as much as you hated being controlled yourself, this is all that you know, and so you will naturally choose partners who keep you right at home.

You mentioned in your letter that you perceive your partners as controlling. The word perceive implies that your partners aren't actually controlling you, but that you perceive them as doing so. If you were raised by controlling parents, then it wouldn't be surprising that you would expect your lovers to try to control you as well as perceive them as controlling, even when they may not actually be trying to control you. This means that in addition to choosing controlling partners, you may also be inducing partners who didn't start out as controlling to become controlling of you. There are many ways that you could help someone to become controlling or smothering. One obvious way that you could help this to happen is to behave passively, to not say what you want and need, to silently allow the other person to take you over, and to not object when your emotional toes are being stepped on.

If you examine how you behave in relationships, I am sure that you will see that you have a hand in allowing yourself to be controlled and wiped out. The bottom line is whether you choose a controlling lover or allow a person who isn't controlling by nature to walk on you, sooner or later you feel devoured and in need of escape. That's when you abandon the other person.

The key for you is consciousness. You are going to need to become conscious of your tendency to choose controlling lovers, and you are going to need to make a conscious effort to choose a different type of partner, one who encourages you to take your space in the relationship. You are also going to need to remember that even when you choose a better partner, you will remain vulnerable to recreating the feeling of being controlled and squashed. You will have to constantly watch yourself like a hawk so that you don't silence your thoughts, feeilngs, needs, and wishes. The right partner will welcome and embrace all of you. If he doesn't, then he isn't right for you.

I think that you will find that joining a therapy group will be helpful to you. In group, you will experience relationships with all kinds of people, including those strong willed individuals who you will easily allow to control or squash you. The group will help you become aware of how you allow other members to control you, and you will learn how to break the cycle. Soon you will be able to take your show on the road and choose a better partner and stand your own ground with him. When you choose a partner who embraces rather than controls you, and when you are able to take care of your own needs in the relationship (remember, even the most considerate partner will step on your toes if you don't take care of yourself), then and only then will your self feel safe and fulfilled, and free from the urgent need to run for your life.