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What Can I Do?

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 11/01/2004 - 8:00pm
in
November 1, 2004

Question

Dear Dr. Love:

I'm very in love, and very into this girl. We've just met not very long ago. We went out on one date, and on that date we both took each other as'friends'. However, after that, I found that I do love her. And I told her. Aparently the feelings were mutual and we got together soon after that.

The problem is, she had just broken up with her ex less than one week before we got together. I thought she wouldn't be affected by that fact initially, but now it seems that she is. Also, she's had many relationships before, none that lasted beyond two months.

I've been very good to her, so much so that maybe she finds me too good to be true. I did not think that would be a problem. I thought I would make her as happy as she could, to convince her that I'm the one for her.

But now she tells me that she wants a break, about five days after we've got together. She says that she's not sure if she's into commitment now, and asked me to give her a few weeks. She says that sometimes she loves me and sometimes she doesn't, and when she's trying she doesn't seem to be happy. She says she hopes we won't lose this, as she doesn't want to lose a good boyfriend.

But somehow I get the feeling that we ARE losing it already. Whenever we're together, everything is perfect. We're so into it that I don't even know if these words are her own. I'm willing to give her time.

But I'm afraid to lose her completely after this 'few weeks off'. But I'm shattered. By the sheer thought of losing her. I've never loved someone so much before. What can I do now?


Answer

I hear how much this woman means to you. Here's what you can do. Tell her that you've noticed her pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship. Tell her that she obviously has mixed feelings about allowing herself to get too close to anyone. Tell her that taking time off from you will perhaps ease her feeling of anxiety over getting too close to you, but the time off will not solve her basic problem--the fear of getting too close.

Tell her that you care about her and you want to help her heal this problem, and the only way to heal this is to work the feelings out by talking about them. Tell her that you'd like her to agree to stay in the relationship with you and not pull away in action.

Instead, you invite her to talk with you when she gets scared of the closeness, discuss how the fear relates to her history. For her to be so scared of closeness, somebody must have hurt her badly when she was young. I suspect that her mom or dad, got close to her and then left her. I think that she pulls away in order to protect herself from being left again.

These are guesses, and she needs to confirm my suspicions. If she is willing to talk and not run, you have a hope of keeping the relationship going. Let me know what happens.

- Doctor Love

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