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When You are Apart You Become Uneasy

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 03/24/2003 - 8:00pm
March 24, 2003

Question

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been in a committed relationship with a wonderful guy for 7 months. We get along great, we are looking for the same things in life and we are happy together. The problem is I have very strong feelings of uneasiness. He tells me that I am the love of his life and he talks about marriage all the time. I love him as well and I know we would have a good life together.

The problem is I cannot get rid of these feelings and they make me analyze our relationship everyday. When I am with him everything is great and I don't worry about it, but as soon as we are apart the uneasiness comes back. I just can't figure out why I'm feeling this way about a relationship that has no negative points. I really need someone that is outside of my circle of friends and family to give me some guidance.

I just don't understand why I am not totally invested in my relationship with a person that wants to give me the world. Is there something wrong with me?


Answer

You are experiencing what is called separation anxiety. Separation anxiety develops during childhood, usually during 18 to 24 months of age.

Here is how separation anxiety develops. The first goes like this. Imagine you begin to separate from your mom and you go off and play by yourself. If your mother has unresolved separation issues herself, she may either punish you for leaving her and ignore you when you come back. This type of reaction causes the child to become anxious each time he/she separates. The child's natural urge to separate may make him continue to try to go off on his own, but while he's gone he will feel anxious and terrified that mom won't be there (or won't love him/her) when he/she returns. If the mother is too clingy or too punishing the child simply won't try to separate any more.

It sounds to me like your relationship with your beloved has awakened your separation anxiety. Even though you know on an intellectual level that your relationship today is fine, you are still uneasy and fearful of what will happen. Your current relationship is merely triggering an unconscious association to your early life. Dig deep and recall how your first separation went. Recall how your mom reacted and you will understand why you fear a bad outcome today. Keep reminding yourself that what happened then isn't happening now.

If you still feel stuck, a bit of therapy would be in order.

- Doctor Love

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