Why Does He Say Lovely Words and Then Treat Me Like Dirt?

You say that you are planning to leave your boyfriend and that before you do, you want to understand why he says lovely words and then treats you uncaringly. You recounted many examples to me of his supposed kindness to others and I am sure that you think that he has been uncaring to you alone. This interpretation leaves you feeling flawed and unloveable.

Don't fool yourself. If he behaves the way he does with you, he has done so with other girlfriends and/or wives. If he had been so wonderful with his ex. , then why is she his ex. ? In answer to your question, why does he say lovely words and then behave in uncaring ways, the answer is simple. Your boyfriend has mixed feelings about you and probably all woman. He says loving words, and then takes them away with his unloving actions.

I would go a step farther and say that this man isn't in touch with his own hostility toward you and all women. He denies his anger and then the anger slips out in nasty actions. You took his words at face value, never imagining that this man was so conflicted on the unconscious level. I am sure that this guy is clueless about his own emotional life and that the negative feelings that drive his behavior are locked in his unconscious.

The cause of such anger usually traces back to childhood; he was probably angry at his mother and never resolved these feelings and issues. Then, these stored up feelings resurface and get dumped on whomever happens to be his current 'love' object. You just happened to be 'it. ' Before you leave, I think you would feel empowered by telling him that you have his number: that he denies his anger and then lets it leak out in relationship destructive behaviors (you can list quite a few).

You can tell him that no relationship will ever work out for him unless and until he owns his aggression, figures out where it's coming from, and learns how to deal with it more appropriately. The key is to put the ball back on his side of the court.

I also encourage you to do some self-work aimed at finding out how you fell prey to this type of man and why you stayed so long. I suspect that deep-down you don't feel very loveable. You were quick to believe that he was unkind to you and you alone, meaning that his behavior was your fault (that you're unworthy of love). Abused and neglected children think that they deserve the mistreatment they are receiving. They also think that if they were better children, their parents would finally love them. When these children grow up, they find partners who continue to neglect and mistreat them. They tolerate the abuse hoping that if they can be good, kind, more giving, or more loving that they will feel as thought they finally won the love of their parents.

I think this explains why you stuck it out with him. I want you to get the fact that if your parent or parents couldn't give you what you were entitled to it was because they were damaged goods not because you were unloveable. The same holds true for this man: he's damaged goods. Next time around make sure that you find a man whose actions and words line up. You are loveable just the way you are and if you aren't treated in loving ways, then I hope my words will give you the strength to move on.