Wife of an Out of Work Husband

I can see why you are upset. You have a situational problem (your husband being out of work) and a more deep-seated character problem on your hands. I have the impression that your husband is depressed, and depression is usually caused by anger turned inward.

Why is he angry? It sounds like he is furious to be out of work, and instead of saying so, he mopes and rots in the house. Your husband also seems to be playing victim. He sits at home, smoking, being sloppy and feeling sorry for himself. The message to you is, 'Look how you've ruined my life.'

By playing the victim, he is indirectly communicating a lot of anger. Victims are always enraged deep down. Not only doesn't your husband know how to own his anger and discuss it, he also doesn't seem to know how to assert himself. I have the sense that he is furious to have given up his job. He doesn't seem to know how to assert his true wishes, and instead swallows his desires and follows you.

Now, the anger that he feels over his 'choice'is coming out sideways and indirectly. You are getting the paybacks. Once again, he isn't being direct about his feelings. He is giving you one big guilt trip, another form of indirect expression of anger. He needs to go to marriage counseling now. He must get in touch with his anger and talk about it.

He must also address this pattern of not owning what he wants, going along with you, then doing a slow burn. At which point, his anger comes out sideways in the form of depression, guilt trips, and playing the victim. You have your work cut out for you.

You need to decide if you want to make this type of investment.