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Woman Who is Afraid to Speak Openly

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 01/11/1999 - 7:00pm
in
January 11, 1999

Question

I am a 28-year old divorced woman in love with a 42-year old divorced male with two teenage daughters, both of whom reside with their mother.

We met each other in the workplace; the first time we laid eyes on each other we were instantly attracted.

However, I put him WAY out of my head because at the time I was engaged and getting ready to get married. Sadly, around 7 months after the wedding, my husband and I started having serious problems. He began to try and 'control' me in ways he'd never done in the 5 years that we had lived together and he even ended up having an affair.

Crushed, humiliated and broken-hearted, we separated and eventually divorced.

 During our separation, the gentleman I mentioned above surfaced in my life and we began to see each other. I don't know how it happened, but we suddenly fell madly in love with each other. He helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life which really bonded us, and I gave him a happiness he hadn't experienced in many years.

It has been almost a year since we started seeing each other and we feel more and more in love with each other with every passing day. However, even though we share something truly special, I have a few concerns that we haven't been able to address.

One of them is a family issue. Despite the fact that I'm recently divorced, which puts me in a vulnerable position with my family in terms of introducing someone new to them, I've introduced him to them without fear of judgement or disapproval. Yet he's been unable to introduce me to his family; his two daughters, in particular.

At one point, he even told a friend of mine that he was avoiding introducing me to them but offered no reason as to why. This really has me perplexed. Part of me wonders if he's ashamed because of our age difference and another part of me wonders if it's a sign that he's not planning on having a more committed relationship with me.

The second item is, he's had a vasectomy. I do want at least one child of my own, but he seems dead set against having another. Yet he contradicts himself because he adores children and even jokes around about the two of us having them. . . 'what if'. . .

I know that he loves me enough that I could talk him into it (with the appropriate medical technology, that is); but I would never make anyone do anything they weren't 100% sure was right.

We haven't discussed either of these issues - I've been trying to respect his privacy. It's not as if I need to have this information immediately. But in a way, I do. I'm not getting any younger either!

You'd think that after a year we could talk about these things openly. I suppose I'm just afraid that if I talk to him about this he will freak out and leave me. I know how difficult both issues are for him and I don't want him to feel like giving up.

Is this an impossible relationship?


Answer

When you have a feeling that speaking openly will cause your partner to freak out and leave you, you must listen carefully to your feelings and honor them.

Your feelings are right on target about this guy.

He avoids discussing his feelings and acts them out in behavior. So, no wonder you are afraid that he will become upset and go into action by leaving you. You are right on target about him.

The way you deal with a problem like this is to start with your feeling of fear to speak. You could say, 'Why do I have the feeling that if I try to speak openly with you about certain issues that you will up and leave? Then, sit back and watch what he says and does.

If he invites you to talk then you could say, 'How can I be sure that you will tell me how you feel about what I bring up and not go into action?' When you use the term go into action, he will probably be clueless, so you will need to explain.

Most of us haven't been taught to talk about how we feel, and instead of talking our feelings out, we release them in actions. The problem is that actions are often destructive of our relationships, since they leave the person on the receiving end of the actions feelings done to and clueless. 

Then, you can move into asking him to translate his recent actions into words. Ask him what he is telling you, or how he wants you to interpret his not introducing you to his family.

 And, if you can get him to talk about that issue, then ask him to talk about the other issue. If the man is willing to engage in a discussion, then see if you can get him to agree that in the future you will work to talk about your feelings not act them out.

If he agrees, you've got a keeper.

All the best.

- Doctor Love

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