Woman Who Attracts Unavailable Men

Dear Dr. Love,

I only just discovered your site, and read the Sex Question of the Week, I thought the answer was very therapeutic, even for a reader. I was browsing because I have had an extreme situation happen to me that I do not know what to do or feel about.

I am at a loss as to how to deal. It would be great to get your advice. I started a relationship two and a half years ago with a man, he is now 51 years old, and I am 34. I know this will sound typical, but when you're the one involved, it is so much more harder to decipher what is what.

Anyway, we were a few months into it. In the beginning, he had given me a voice mail number that didn't ring through his house, and I asked him what was going on.

It took a while, but he soon told me he was married. Then he said he wasn't in love with his wife, and that he was planning a divorce.

At the time, our connection seemed almost as close to being a 'soulmate' as one could imagine. He could easily be the love of my life... I might add, that it was also a long distance relationship, he in Colorado, and me in San Francisco. Our conversations were hours long, it was like magic whenever we were together, on trips, etc.

As time went on, I got more upset at the fact that he was married, and it created many upsetting times. It seemed he was making a lot of rationalizations why he was scared. One was that he owed his wife money, and she could sue him for whatever he had. This is his second marriage, his first one had sued him and apparently for a lot.

Finally, I found someone else by the 1 1/2 year mark, and the new guy was so kind to me. The married guy wanted to see me, and I said I was committed to someone else. He got extremely obssessive and said he went to the hospital and was going crazy.

I was so scared that I was hurting him that I dumped the new guy. The new fling lasted two months, and there were problems there too. He too had been divorced, twice, and I could tell he was a little commitment phobic. But, he was and still is a friend.

The married one, said he finally told his wife that he wanted a divorce. I didn't believe him so I got more upset. Then he and I separated for about 5 months. Soon, I got an email from him stating that he got the divorce.

He flew to see me in San Francisco to see whether I would want to be with him. He even showed me some paper that said the word 'FILED', but I wasnt sure if that was an official divorce paper.

By that time, I had a lot of resentment, which showed, and we had another break. He told me that we should go separate ways.

Finally, coming April, it will be my 35th birthday, and I have no one in my life. I feel very lost. I emailed him to see if he wanted to spend it with me, as I don't want to be alone.

He took a while, but he says he has some business to do in San Francisco, and that he can see me for two days around my birthday. The big one is...that I went ahead and did a check in his state/county to find out if he got a divorce. And all reports so far did not find any documents on any divorce.

I don't know what to do, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Everyday, I feel sick to my stomach and can't even function in daily activities. I have currently sought some counciling, but I can't exactly afford what it would take.

I wanted to know if you have some advice about this matter, or what I am doing to attract non-commital men? I seem to be the one who commits totally, so what is wrong?

I have looked into my childhood, and found some things. There was some physical abuse, but I am not intentionally trying to find that.

Could it be that I am 'over-loving' or 'over-committing' to compensate? I would really appreciate it a lot, even if it were a supportive element to the greater therapy, I know it would help.

Thank you!