Woman Who is Being Bossed Around By Her Family

You really are in a bind. As you see it, you can either please your family and lose your husband or reunite with your husband and lose your family. The real issue here, as I see it, isn't about what choice you make. Rather, you need to understand why you allow yourself to be bossed around by your family.

When you told me that your family forbids you to see your ex. , I had a passing thought that you were thirteen and still living at home! How come your family thinks that they have the right to tell you what to do?

I can give you a clue. You have told them in words and actions that you will permit them to treat you in this way.

You need to step back and understand why you are allowing your family to dominate you. Are you afraid that they will reject you? Are you hoping that they will love you if you obey them? There are all kinds of unspoken and probably unrecognized fantasies tied up with your behavior.

To understand where your submissive behavior stems from, you need to look all the way back to your childhood. If I had to guess, I would assume that your parents have been controlling you for your entire life. The way they managed to get away with this was by threatening to remove their love if you didn't comply. So, you learned early in life that in order to insure their love, you needed to wipe yourself out and simply obey.

I am also fairly sure that your habit of lying developed because you were too afraid to tell them the truth. God forbid you thought, felt or did something that they didn't approve of! So, you also learned to lie and conceal your truth in order to keep their love. Some love! Your parents were and are supposed to set you free so that you can pursue your own destiny. That's the kind of love that parents are supposed to provide.

I can't tell you what to do or say, but what I can tell you is that you need to address this problem head on. When you are willing to take your parents on, and not accept their bullying tactics, I think you will be surprised to find that they back down and don't withdraw their love or cut you off even when you'disobey'their wishes.

Before you can even think about telling them that they are no longer allowed to dictate to you, you must be willing to run the risk that they do actually cut you off. In most cases, when a person is willing to stick up for his/her beliefs and bear the consequences (including being cut off by crazy parents), the

Before you take any stands, you need to experience a personal transformation. This is probably only going to happen with the help of an excellent therapist.

When you find the strength to put your foot down with your parents, your decision will have already been made and you will follow your heart where it leads: back to your husband. I wish you strength and courage.