Woman Whose Husband Lives Across the Street

Oh, you're married all right. Only one problem, you've got all the pains and inconveniences of marriage with none of the joys! When you ask me is there any hope, I assume you mean, is there any hope to get him back under your roof. Yes, there's hope, but you will need to change what you think and feel and what you are doing before this will happen. Here's the deal. He has the best of both worlds. You are still chief cook and bottle washer; you take care of his every need and he gets to live like a bachelor across the street. Why would he ever change a thing and come home? I am afraid that the only person who can do anything about this is you. Understand, that it is not my place to tell you what to do. All I can do is raise questions; and point out, and hopefully resolve the blocks that keep you from getting what you want. First you need to figure out why are you rewarding his not being home. Doing everything for him, even though he isn't with you, is a way of rewarding his behavior. A rule of thumb is that we don't reward people who are mistreating us. So, why are you doing this? Are you thinking that eventually he'll see how good you are, and come back? Well, he's not getting it. So, at this point, you need to examine why you would reward someone who gives you crumbs. How does this relate to your early history. Did you watch your mother take care of a man that dumped on her or tossed her a few crumbs? When you figure out where you learned to be like this, you are the path to choosing whether you want to continue this pattern or not. I can tell you that you have no hope of getting him back as long as you stay a doormat. In fact, the pattern of letting him walk on you probably existed while he was still living home. He probably moved in across the street knowing that you would still take care of him! So, find out where your pattern developed, and decide if you want to continue it. If you decide that you are ready to give it up, you need to face the fact that if you put your foot down, you might lose him all together. I highly doubt that this will happen, since he's very attached to you, or at least to the help you give him. And, the fact that he needs you gives power in this situation. You can call more shots than you think, and even put your foot down, and he probably won't give you up. If you are ready to put your foot down, then you will tell him. "I am not willing to continue to care for your material needs and not receiving the rewards a wife gets--a husband living in her house. Then, tell him, I expect you to move back home. You can also tell him that the reasons why he moved out have never been addressed. He merely acted on his negative feelings (I'm pissed, or I've had enough and he moved out). He needs to be told that acting on feelings breaks relationships, and that he is to put his feelings into words from here on in. You want to know what upset him to the point that he wanted to leave, and you want him to agree to tell you whenever something happens in the future that makes him want to leave again. But, he is not to leave ever again. He is to stay, talk and work it out. The above plan is the only way to get him back home. When you entitle yourself to put your foot down and demand more, you will be surprised to find that you will probably get it. If I am wrong, and he refuses to come home, then you stop rewarding him for staying at the neighbor's. You may need to smoke him out or starve him out, in order for him to realize that you mean business. Do let me know what you decided to do and how this works out for you.