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Wondering How to Help Him Forget My Past One Night Stands

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/17/2000 - 8:00pm
in
April 17, 2000

Question

Hi, I've got a question concerning my boyfriend.

We've been together for 5 months and for the last 2 months we have been arguing a lot about my previous sexlife.

I have had 2 one night stands (one year, and one and a half year before I met him) and my boyfriend cannot accept that,

he says that I got/am every thing that he wants a girl to have/be. But the knowledge of me having sex just for one time makes it hard for him to love me. He feels he cant trust me, but I always tell him the truth.

He asks me a lot of questions about my earlier sexlife, what positions I tried and so on, I don't feel comfortable answering those questions, but if I don't he belives that i tried everything. If I say yes I've done that he also feels that I've tried everything.

But all my experiences from sex comes from earlier relationships and not from my one nigth stands.

He have had three longer relationships and 2 one night stands. However he believes that it is a difference, since he had one night stands with someone he knew since before and that he believed that they were gonna get together.

He says that he cant accept or forgive my earlier sexlife and that he can't be together with me, but on the other hand he says that I'm the one that he want's to be with for the rest of his life if he could just stop thinking about those things.

He is moving to another town in 6 months and he has asked me to move with him. He says he can't help thinking about it and that he tries to think nice and beautiful thoughts about me.

We have a really great sexlife and I've experienced a lot of new stuff with him. When he don't think about me having sex with others everything is just great and we have so much fun.

What can I do to help him not to think about this, I tell him that I regrett it, but he don't'belive me. Is there anyway that I can make him accept me?

I need some advice about how I should handle this situation. Right now he is really depressed about this and is really thinking about breaking up, but he can't go through with it.

He's now in France (we live in sweden) skiing, and he called before and was asking me why he can't trust me and why i had to have one night stands, he thinks about it all the time at the moment and I feel that there is nothing I can do about it, or is it?

I've would be really greatful for some advice about what to do, cause I've never felt so strong for anyone before and I want to be with him.


Answer

When a person can't let go of an issue, it's sure that he is struggling with an emotional issue from childhood.

Here's what happens. The mind works by association, which means that current events trigger associations to similar, traumatic events from childhood. Because these associations occur on the unconscious level, the person isn't aware of what's going on. All he knows is that he is upset, and can't let go of the current issue. Then, the person continually returns to the current issue, hoping that if he talks it over, or, in your case, if he asks more questions that he will finally feel settled.

This plan never works (he never feels settled) because he isn't actually facing the real issue: the traumatic event that has been awakened. The only way to get past this impasse is to help him stop focusing on the nuts and bolts of your previous encounters and to instead make a link between this current event and his past.

To accomplish this ask him to tell you how he feels about your past (hurt, threatened, fearful of abandonment, etc. ). When he identifies the feeling, then ask him to recall when he felt this way as a child. For example, if he says that he feels that he can't measure up (no pun intended) to your past lovers, then he's talking about not feeling good enough. To help him link this feeling to his past, ask him when he felt inadequate as a child.

If he feels afraid that you would compare him to your past lovers, and eventually leave him for someone better, again, ask him how that relates to his history. Who made him feel that he wasn't good enough? Who threatened to abandon him if he didn't measure up? If you get him talking about his past, he will soon uncover the real reason why he is obsessed over your sexual past.

Just stay focused and don't allow him to veer you off onto a blow-by-blow (if I may say) chronicle of your sexual escapades. Any digressions will prevent him from finding the path to healing. And, when he does, he will no longer need to obsess about your past.

- Doctor Love

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