Wondering if Your Workaholic Wife is Cheating

Your wife is behaving in an angry way toward you. She is pushing you away and throwing you into another woman's arms (she actually said that you should find a woman to spend time with).

I don't know if she is cheating or not, but she might as well be. You need to put a mirror in front of her face, describe her various actions and ask her to translate them into words. You might say,'You avoid contact with me, work all hours, tell me to find another woman...In short, I get the message that you are telling me that the relationship is over.' Ask her to deny or confirm.

If you put her foot to the fire and make her take responsibility for the various messages that she is sending, at least you will know where you stand. You also need to look at the way you reward someone who mistreats you. You make her candlelit dinners, which is a way of saying,'That's all right, treat me like crap and I'll still be nice to you.'

When you reward someone who is dumping on you two things happen: the other person is encouraged to continue mistreating you; and you feel worse and worse about yourself. What's more, the other person comes to disrespect you for not taking better care of yourself and putting your foot down.

You need to do some soul searching and find out how your relationship with this woman relates to your history. Who made you beg for love and attention when you were growing up? When you figure this out, you will have a clearer idea on why you have chosen someone like your wife and why you stay with her.

If I had to guess I would say that you are recreating a pattern of neglect that you lived as a child. All neglected and battered children think that: 1) they are entitled to receive crumbs (which makes them tolerate way more than someone else would); and 2) they think that if only they are good and kind that the other person will finally come around and love them (your candlelit dinners sure fall into this category).

To understand why we all choose partners who help us relive the deprivation and/or abuse we suffered as children, read my Advice Archives under Repetition Compulsion and Unfinished Business.

In order for your situation with your wife to change, you are going to need to go through a huge personal transformation. You are going to need to understand why you have chosen a partner who neglects you, you are going to need to identify the childhood wound that you are replaying as well as what type of healing you are hoping for (that she will finally love you and pay attention to you the way your parent(s) never did?) The fact that you have likely chosen a partner who resembles the parents who let you down means that is is very unlikely that you are ever going to be treated any better by her than your parents treated you.

Finally, you are going to need to stop rewarding her mistreatment and demand better. When you do, one of two things will happen: either, the marriage will end because your wife is incapable of love and connection; or she will grow in order to keep you. We don't yet know how this situation will play out.

One thing I do know: You need to stop focusing on her (what she is or isn't doing for you) and focus on yourself. Take ownership for your choice of mate as well as your choice to stay with someone who deprives you; understand how your choice relates to your unmet needs of childhood and work to heal these wounds--if necessary in therapy.

When you grow, your life and marriage will either fall into place or fall by the wayside, making room for a healthier connection that provides nourishment rather than the deprivation. Just say no to deprivation and the earth will start to move for you.