Wondering Whether to Tell Her That You Still Love Her

I have understood that you and Carly have stayed friends since the break up. Your fear is that if you tell her that you love her she will run from you and the friendship, leaving you with nothing, not even the crumbs of her friendship. You must have a good reason for fearing this outcome. In fact, just from the little you said about her in your letter, it seems a likely possibility that she would take off.

Notice that Carly couldn't sustain a connection with a man who adores her. Instead, she needed to return to a boyfriend who abuses her. So, we can clearly see that Carly isn't ready for a healthy relationship with a man like you. She is drawn to a man who mistreats her because she is trying to heal some unfinished childhood business of her own. Until she does, her heart and soul will belong to daddy (or mommy). She will remain caught up in trying to fix whatever trauma she suffered at her parents' hands, and will keep returning to the abusive boyfriend in order to try to 'get it right.' See my Advice Archives under Unfinished Business and Repetition Compulsion to understand why she is drawn to a man who abuses her.

So, to return to your question, yes, your fear is telling you what you know deep-down about Carly. Now, what can you do with this information? I would state it in the form of a question such as: Carly, why do I worry that you will run away from me if you found out that I care for you still? If she is open to examining that question, you should be able to help her to study why she is drawn to a man who dumps on her and runs from a man who adores her. Asking these questions and sparking her to address her issues is your only hope of ever having her. To hide and avoid the entire subject may keep her your friend, but you will never have anything more than that with her. T

he choice is ultimately yours. Go for broke and confront the issue, and maybe she will begin the healing process or live with the crumbs of her friendship, which, as far as I can see is killing you. If she isn't willing to face herself and find the road back to you, then you are going to need to begin your own healing process which will focus on understanding why you need to remain attached to someone who can't love you back. How does that kind of attachment fit with your history? Are you used to being frustrated and unloved? Are you scared to get too close to another and is choosing a woman who runs from attachment serving you on a deep level?

I have given you lots of tools. Now the work begins. I hope that she comes around (she may need a therapist to help her). If she doesn't, then you will need to begin your own healing journey.