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You are Guy Gun Shy

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 07/08/2002 - 8:00pm
July 8, 2002

Question

Dear Dr. Love, I thoroughly enjoy your site, and I hope you can help me.

Six months ago, the only long-term relationship I ever had ended by mutual decision. My ex and I were together for a year and a half and had lived together for four months. My family adored him (and still does!), my friends thought highly of him, his friends liked me, and even his older sister (their parents died when they were young adults)--who has never liked any of his girlfriends--liked me. Right now, we're trying to be friends, but it's very tentative and awkward.

Last week, I went out with a male co-worker whom I like very much as a friend and who has had a crush on me for a while. We clicked, and he wants to see me again. The night that we went out, and for a few days after that, I felt the same way, but now the prospect of dating and possibly getting involved long-term terrifies me. My coworker is the exact opposite of my ex--my ex is very strong and keeps his emotions to himself, while my new friend is very sensitive and tenderhearted. I don't want to hurt him or my ex, or get hurt again myself.

Before my ex, I never dated anyone for more than two or three months. Frequently, I was lucky to get a second date with a man. I really do want to have a long-term relationship, possibly leading to marriage and a family, but I'm scared. I'm 27, and I feel the pressure to find someone getting more intense every day.


Answer

Of course you are scared; you've been burned and you're afraid to experience another repeat performance. You said that your new love is very different from your ex. Have you actually itemized their differences? If you do this, I think you will see that your new man is unlikely to hurt you in the same way that your ex. did.

Mind you, you will experience pain with your new man, since love can be painful at times. The point is there is no way to immunize yourself from pain. Death is the only permanent and sure cure for pain that I know of. I hear in your letter that you are terribly afraid to lose another relationship. Again, there are no guarantees in life. To love is to lose, sooner or later.

Meanwhile, all you have is now. Check this guy out, make sure you are compatible, control all the variables that you can, and then let go and leave the rest to the Gods or to fate. Once you have made sure that you are right for each other, then I think you will conclude that the only path for you and the rest of us poor mortals is to feel scared and take the dive all the same.

Live in the present, which is all that any of us has; don't futurize about the 'what ifs, ' since I'm sure you know by now that the things we worry about and brace for never happen. (It's always the things we don't expect that hit us between the eyes. ) The point is, all you can do is love to the fullest and take each day as it comes.

- Doctor Love

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