You are Weighed Down with Burden

I am sorry to hear how you are suffering. It sounds like your husband wants to dump total blame for the failure of the marriage onto you. The fact is you both let each other down, you both lied and cheated, and you both have walked away at different times. So why is he hanging you for doing the walking this time?

I think that he is using his anger as a shield. So long as he's mad at you, he doesn't have to let you in, trust you and be hurt again. So he feels safer in blaming you. One question that stuck in my mind when reading your letter was, why do you want him so much now that he doesn't want you? In other words, when you were still together, you didn't see him as worth fighting for, so come you want him now?

You have to dig deep into your soul to find out why the person you can't have is more appealing to you than the one you do have. When you had him (and he had you) you sure didn't act like he was a prize package to be cherished. The answer to this question is going to be such an eye opener for you. Mind you, finding the answer is going to take you to painful places in your childhood and when you come up for air you aren't going to be the same. You are probably going to find out that you are scared to death of being too close to another person, which may explain why you lied, cheated and drove him away as well, as why you want him when you can't have him (he's safe and unreachable).

Next you need to find the reason for your fear of allowing yourself to get too close. Do you fear being dependent, helpless or abandoned. Whatever wound you watched your parents inflict on each other and/or whatever wound was inflicted on you is going to be your key to unlocking the answer to what you are afraid of today. For example, if dad left mom and you, then you are surely dealing with a fear of abandonment.

Once you understand your issues, you can go to him and tell him that you don't expect him to trust you; you just want him to listen while you explain what you figured out. Also explain to him that you now understand that all the actions that you both took were motivated by a wish to get rid of terrible feelings. Feelings temporarily diminish when we act (cheat, run, lie), but the feelings always come back until we resolve them by talking them out.

Meanwhile, the various actions we take to get rid of the bad feelings end up rupturing the relationship. He needs to know that you are going to commit to talking (not acting) about all the horrible and scary feelings that are triggered by being in a relationship. You won't lie, cheat or run. You will stay and talk each time bad feelings come. He won't believe you at first, but you both can have a trial run in which you both do exactly what I said. Whenever you feel upset, you will say what was said or done and how you felt about it (and what you would prefer in the future).

You are probably going to need the help of a couples therapist. Whether you end up together or not, you both are going to need to learn to do this if you ever hope to have a lasting relationship. You can also tell him that you understand that why he's putting all the blame on you; it's his way of keeping you away from him so that he doesn't get hurt again. Tell him that you weren't the only one to have acted out and that he has an equal share in the dissolution of this relationship. He doesn't have to trust you or take you back but do encourage him to engage in the same work that you are doing (identify what childhood wounds led him to drive you away, figure out what feelings he's running from, and commit to talk not act).

If he refuses, then you will have to grieve and move on knowing that you will be a stronger and healthier person who is ready for a good relationship this time around. The key is to get him talking to you. Don't ask for each other 's trust; that 's been ruptured and needs to be earned over time. Start by being friends, listening, understanding, and talking and not acting on feelings. Let me know how you do.