You Blew Up and Now He Won't Talk to You

You asked me two questions: what you can do to heal yourself and what you can do to win him back. Regarding the first question, you need to understand that any time you have a strong emotional reaction and/or you have a strong feeling that you can't shake, unfinished childhood business is fueling your fire.

His refusal to talk with you when you were upset reminded you of a similar experience in your childhood. You need to make the link. Did your parents tune you out when you were upset? Then you need to figure out how you felt about how you were treated as a kid. Were you enraged when they tuned you out? Did you erupt in fits of rage as a kid? If so, did you get rewarded with attention? Or did you sit on your anger?

If so, when your boyfriend treats you the way your parents did, I think that all the buried rage from the past comes crashing to the surface. Once you know the exact wound that lives on inside yourself, you are going to need to be vigilant, watching yourself like a hawk whenever your boyfriend or someone else says or does something that triggers your old wound. When the wound is set off, you need to stop dead in your tracks and separate yourself from the situation. Go to the bathroom, splash water on your face, count to fifty or whatever. As you are calming down, remind yourself that you are simply experiencing a rush of rage that has been buried inside you since you were a kid.

Then figure out what this triggering event reminds you of. Take the time to recognize your feeling, and here's the most important step: Think of a way to translate the raw feeling of anger into a communication that 's going to get you what you want. Don't say or do anything until you have thought it through and made certain that what you intend to say is going to be helpful to you and the relationship. What I am really describing is impulse control. It's about giving up the instant gratification of having a shit fit and trading that immediate release for long term relationship satisfaction. This choice is about growing up emotionally and being willing to frustrate yourself in the short term but reward yourself in the long term with a lasting relationship.

What I propose is about making a resolution to simply not allow yourself the pleasure of getting your rocks off on anyone ever again. With practice you will soon be a pro at transforming raw rage into communications that are constructive. Joining a group therapy will give you a good forum to practice communicating your feelings, especially your angry feelings, in a constructive way.

When you are clear on your old wound and how his behavior set it off as well as decided to not let yourself rip in the future, your boyfriend should be willing to give you another chance.