You Finally Heard Your Wife

I totally understand your predicament. Your wife has built up a wall of resentment as a result of years of feeling unheard. She is surely wary of your break-through and is most likely afraid to be let down again. She is very likely using her anger as an armor to shield her from more hurt.

What can you do? First figure out why you finally heard her. If you have experienced a personal transformation tell her all about it so that she can understand what is different inside you and why there is reason to trust that you are a changed man. Try also to understand why you were so closed to her all these years. Figure out how that relates to your history. Was your dad like that? The more she understands about your transformation the better chance you have of regaining her trust.

Next, tell her that you understand her resentment and that you aren't asking for her to let down her guard and trust you overnight. Tell her that you want her to keep her guard up but that before she throws in the towel you want her to see how consistent you are going to be from here on in in terms of being responsive to all the things that you know are important to her. Tell her that you are going to keep on trying because you love her and that you won't give up. If your wife is simply holding on to her anger in order to protect herself from disappointment, your being consistently responsive to her needs should help her to reconnect. You may need to hang in there for months before she thaws.

If you want the marriage, then give your all. She gave you seven years, so you can give her a few months. Your patience is your only hope.

What if she doesn't let go of her anger after time passes? Then, you need to consider two possibilities: 1) That there is too much water under the bridge for her to reconnect to you; and 2) that she has a need to use anger to ward off connection. The second possibility is very likely and here's why. She chose to stay with you all during these years when you weren't responsive to her needs. She didn't demand that you do couples therapy; she didn't leave you. This makes me wonder if she had a need to be married to someone who made her so angry. In many cases, the unconscious will choose a spouse who lets us down so that we have an excuse to release all the buried anger inside ourselves. Much of this buried anger goes all the way back to childhood. If it is true that she needed you to stay in the role of the 'failure' husband so that she could vent her rage from childhood, then your attempts to be more responsive won't be well received.

Only time will tell whether she is simply warding you off because she's afraid to be let down again or whether she needs to stay mad at you permanently because she hasn't resolved her childhood wounds. Let me know how the story shakes down, and we will go from there.