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You Have Nothing to Say to Each Other

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 08/05/2002 - 8:00pm
August 5, 2002

Question

I've been seeing this girl for almost a year now (about 2 weeks from 1 year), and we've noticed that over the past 2-4 months we've been talking less and less. when we are on the phone we talk for about 5-10 minutes and the rest of the time is just silence, its like we just lost interest in one another or we have a lack of communication or something

i really don't know what to do because this girl is really important to me and i want to do everything possible to keep her. some of my friends have told me we need to see each other more often but we don't have time, she works almost everyday of the week, and the days she dosent work she has soccer games and practices so we roughly get to see each other once or twice a week if we're lucky.

i read the paragraph called 'We don't have nothing in common anymore', and it works something like that, we sometimes have things we don't want to talk about but our list isnt that big we are quite open with each other, so, i don't know, please respond soon thank you in advance.


Answer

When a couple who had no problem finding things to talk about suddenly finds that their conversation has 'dried' up I suspect that there are angry feelings afoot. Very often when couples become angry, they symbolically 'cut' their tongues and stop talking; in order to protect each other from saying something monstrous, you simply don't say anything at all.

This is an unconscious defense mechanism, so I am sure that neither of you is aware that you are clamming up in order to protect the other. To get the discussion ball rolling again, why don't you say something like, 'I have the feeling that there are angry feelings floating in the air that we aren't talkng about. Have I said or something to anger you?' You also want to examine your own self and see if she has said or done something to piss you off.

Once the anger is put out there, you will no longer need the 'cat got your tongue' defense and you should find that conversation flows more freely in the future. In order to avoid such a problem down the road, make sure to check in with each other often by asking how am I doing with you, are have you been keeping me updated on what I have been doing or not doing right? Keep the channels of anger communication open and you will find that your conversations flow fine.

- Doctor Love

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