You Want to Be Free

Pick me! Pick me! Did you pick me? Goooood! =) Why wasn't I able to find your site, say 2-3 years SOONER!? That's okay, at least I found you now! Anyway, I don't really know where to begin, but here I go! (If this ends up extra long, I'm sorry!) I guess I'll start with a little bit of background!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and like many relationships, we've had our ups and downs. Right now though, we're doing really good. We know how to communicate although I wouldn't say really well when it comes to matters of the heart, but we're great at compromising. He's been in numerous relationships before me but he's my first. He's an ex gang banger and my life was mainly just me getting blamed and teased/tortured all the time (family life wasn't so good).

Well anyway, when we first started going out, my family situation got really bad. My brother left, things got harder and it was a combination of my boyfriend being there and me being fed up that gave me the courage to leave. (I was 16 at the time). So in some ways, we were kinda pushed into living together. But let me get to the point of this letter.

I received news from my sister today that our uncle we were planning to go see had passed away. My boyfriend was in the room but I asked to be left alone and did some thinking. I've actually thought about this for a while. . . I want to be 'free.' By this I don't mean to explore other relationships, but to live life on my own. See if I could make it by myself, be independent. There hasn't been a point in my life that I feel truly independent. (We're still living with his parents. ) I have always felt a need to hurry up and grow up and I'm still not in college yet, I still don't even have my license yet, and sometimes I feel trapped/handicapped.

Another reason that I want to be 'free' is because I actually want to move to California to be closer to my family. (My uncle passing away just makes me want to move even more. ) My parents moved to CA about 6 months ago, but there wasn't really a 'family' for quite sometime. My dad convinced my brother to move to CA so it'll only be me and my sister here in GA. In some ways family was something I've always wanted but never actually had. And'everyone' (aunts, uncles, cousins) else is in CA. Since our family 'fell apart' in GA, things kind of are okay now. I'm still kind of detatched from my parents, but it's everyone else that makes me want to move to CA. And sometimes I feel like if I wasn't in this relationship I could do so much more with my life.

But at the same time, I'm scared. Scared of failure, and scared of my boyfriend being alone. I somewhat feel responsible for alienating him from his friends. But i feel that it was for the better because since we've been together, he's been out of trouble. And I think he didn't feel the need to make more ew friends because he had me. So as of now, both him and I only have friends from work whom we occasionally talk to on the phone. And when we go do stuff on the weekends, it's just usually us and sometimes a friend of mine from work whom I've gotten close with and her boyfriend.

And I don't know what to do. I've asked my boyfriend if he would move to CA with me, and he said he'll do it if I really wanted to, but I KNOW he DOESN'T want to move! And I don't want to force him to change his life for me. He's scared to meet the rest of my family and he dislikes my dad. But I really don't want to lose him. And neither of us do the stuff most kinds our age are doing. Instead of partying, we'd rather go to the movies or just stay home, so it really seems like we're already married sometimes.

Do you think it'd be a wise decision to break up and go? Or do you think we should keep working on us and maybe later after both of us finish college we should move to CA? Thank you so much for your time and attention!!!