Your Boyfriend Has a Bad Temper

I understand why you are afraid. Since he goes into action when he's angry, how can you be sure that he won't act out against you?

When you try to discuss his problem, he becomes defensive and turns the tables back onto you, saying that you 'get up.'  I guess he means that you also get riled up when you're angry.

You are not going to have any leverage at all with him in terms of calling him on his misbehavior unless you totally clean up your own side of the fence. So keep a lid on your lip! Then we can call him on his own behavior. When you are totally appropriate in how you behave when you are angry, then he can't point any fingers at you. Then, and only then will he will have to face himself.

You have many choices about how to address his behavior with him .You can ask questions in order to spark his own awareness of the effect of his actions. To do this, you would ask him how he wants you to feel when he hits objects? Or you could ask him if you should be feeling afraid?

You could also use my X, Y Formula, which consists of simply stating what was said or done and how it made you feel. I thoroughly explain the formula and how to use it in my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First).

I suspect that he won't be receptive to either approach. He has already shown himself to be defensive and not particularly interested in how his behavior affects you. So, whether you ask him questions or tell him outright how his behavior makes you feel, I sense that he will throw the issue back on you and tell you something like, 'Feel however you want to feel. It has nothing to do with me.'

When dealing with a person who is not receptive, you actually make out better by using a more confrontative approach, much the way a loving parent would set limits on a child who is misbehaving.

A guy like him needs to be told that he is out-of-control when he is angry. You might add that he probably thinks that it is 'normal' to behave the way he does (perhaps his parents taught him by their own example that this is the only way for an angry person to behave). You might point out that he surely could control his behavior if he wanted to. He doesn't behave this way in front of his boss!

You might also tell him that letting himself act out is a form of self-indulgence. It feels good in the moment to let oneself rip. It is far less enjoyable to tolerate the frustration of controlling one's words or actions.

He needs to see that learning to control himself is part of growing up. Little children throw tantrums. Adults aren't supposed to act this way. He can't be feeling good about himself when he goes out-of-control. He can't be feeling good that his girlfriend is afraid of him.

Tell him that if he works to control his behavior that his self-esteem will soar and your relationship will go better.

If he is willing to work on controlling his behavior, then he needs to recognize the sensations inside himself just before he blows.

The key here is for him to learn to separate the feeling from the action. At this point, his angry feelings and the actions he engages in to vent his feelings are occurring at the same time. By recognizing his signals of anger, he can learn to drive a wedge between the feeling and the acting out.

Once he recognizes the sensations before he blows, he can use his intellect to choose another way of behaving. He can go and splash water on his face, take five or whatever he needs to do.

Once he loses the crash and burn approach, he will need to replace it will a healthy model. My X, Y Formula will work for him as well. Both of you will benefit by reading my book, which will give you all the guidelines for communicating your angry feelings in a healthy way that will actually bring you closer together.

If he refuses to engage in the process of improving his way of handling his anger, then you need to look at yourself and find out why you want to be in a relationship with someone who is out-of-control. I suspect that you were raised by parents who became out-of-control when they were angry. That would explain why you chose a partner like him. Your mind is programmed to think that violent outbursts and hitting is normal behavior.

It wasn't normal when you were young and it isn't normal now. You don't need to relive a childhood of fear and terror.

See my Advice Archives under Unfinished Business and Repetition compulsion in order to help yourself understand what pulls you to this man. When you feel ready to stop reliving your own childhood, and you are willing to put your foot down, he will get the message.

When you mean business, he will take your limit setting more seriously. If he doesn't play ball, then the ball is in your court.