Your Dad's Fiance Gives Your Boyfriend the Cold Shoulder

You have two ways of handling the matter. You can deal with her directly or you can go to your father and ask him to intervene on your behalf. There are pros and cons to both approaches. If you go to your father before talking with her, she will probably be angry that you went behind her back. For this reason, I would deal with her first. If you are unsuccessful, then you can go to your father.

You have two choices on how to approach her: The first method describes her actions and asks her to clarify the meaning of her behavior; the second approach describes her actions and then tells her how you feel about her behavior. If she is a defensive type of person, she may not be open to your feelings and may even throw them back in your face by saying, 'You are over-sensitive or paranoid, etc. ' If you think that she will turn the tables on you, then skip your feelings and use option one. Option one: 'I have a problem that I need to discuss with you. Is now a good time?' If she says yes, then say, 'On several occasions you have asked me over, but didn't include my boyfriend. Or you have asked if my boyfriend is dropping me off, but didn't ask if he is coming in. Are you intentionally excluding him because you don't like him or because he offended you or if there some other reason for your behavior that I don't know about?' This approach makes her aware of how she is coming across and asks her to clarify the meaning of her actions. If you feel that she would be receptive, then use the second method in which you include your feelings. To do this you might say, 'I have a problem that I need to discuss with you. Is now a good time?' If she says yes, then say, 'On several occasions you have asked me over, but didn't include my boyfriend. Or you have asked if my boyfriend is dropping me off, but didn't ask him to come in. I have felt hurt by this and wanted to let you know.' Either approach will make her aware of how she is coming across, which should motivate her to change her actions, unless we are dealing with damaged goods.

If she continues to exclude your guy even after you have talked, then we have to assume that this woman is emotionally disturbed. She may be recreating patterns from her family of origin. For example, you have said that she needs to feel included, which tells me that she felt excluded as a child. It is very common for people to behave in ways that create the very suffering in others that they experienced as a child. This is the unconscious mind's way of purging inner pain by depositing it onto others.

I suspect that your soon to be mother in law is purging her pain of having felf excluded as a child by dumping those very same feelings onto your boyfriend. Mind you, this entire mechanism, which is called projection, is totally unconscious, which means that she isn't intentionally behaving like a witch; she simply can't help herself. If she isn't able to make your boyfriend feel welcome after your talk, then your next step is to tell your father what is going on. If he isn't able to influence her, then dad will need to get her to go with him for family therapy.

I hope that she comes around. If she is difficult to influence, at least you and your boyfriend can take comfort in the fact that it's her problem. This should help you and him to not take her behavior personally, which should ease the pain. Do let me know how your conversation turns out.