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Your Fiance is Suicidal

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 05/21/2001 - 8:00pm
May 21, 2001

Question

Dr. love, i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. everything seemed to be going well until one day when we were in bed he started talking about suicide.

i've never seen him like this and i was terrified. he was taken to the crisis center by police and blamed me for everything that happened. he was released the next day. when he got home from work he told me to leave and go to my parents. i did. we've talked every weekend so far and i've been here for 2 weeks. every time we talk he always says he loves me and will be joining me soon.

this past weekend he said lots of things to me to hurt me and it didn't sound like the guy i fell in love with. he sounds angry and told me that he never loved me. we're supposed to be married next year. to add to everything i told him that i might be pregnant and he acted as if he didn't care. what can explain his behavior? we have talked about getting married and having a family.

is he confused or hurt that i am no longer there where he is? friends have said he cries every time he hears my voice. can you please advise on what to do or what may be happening.


Answer

Your fiance is very emotionally troubled. As you have experienced firsthand, people who are depressed and suicidal are actually quite enraged. The problem is that his rage is being displaced (or misdirected) onto you, instead of being directed at the person or person(s) with whom he is actually angry.

He has said horrible things to you (like he never loved you) and it sounds like he is lashing out at you in order to release the mountain of rage inside himself. You are the target because he feels safe in your love. He needs to be in psychotherapy right now. A good therapist will help him identify who he is really mad enough to kill and help him to work those feelings through.

Meanwhile, your allowing him to abuse you verbally is going to do you no good and it certainly won't help him identify the true object of his rage. You can certainly invite him to talk in a constructive way (no attacks, insults) with you regarding whatever it is that you said or did to anger him.

But, he shouldn't be permitted to damage you. I am very sorry that this bomb has been dropped into your world. Do the best you can to seek shelter for yourself.

He is going to need to dig himself out of this mess. He cannot be permitted to take you down with him. Let me know how you make out.

- Doctor Love

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