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Your Girlfriend is Drowning in Guilt after Sex

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 06/26/2001 - 8:00pm
June 26, 2001

Question

Hi Dr. Love.

I'll start with a little background. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 months, but have known each other much longer. We both feel like it was going to happen between us someday, we just didn't know when. It has finally happened and we're both really happy.

Now, we haven't had sex, but we have done some other foreplay- type of stuff. She has recently conveyed, after much work on my part to find out what was wrong, that she feels wrong about herself after we do anything. Often for the rest of the night, and sometimes the next day while she's working, she says she's hating herself, even though she doesn't feel wrong while we're doing it, whatever 'it' may be.

So I need a little direction with what to do about what's in her mind after I leave, and how to approach the subject. Its making our relationship a little shaky too... so, please help if you get the chance. And I know you're a very busy person, so its completely understood if I cant get a response. Thanks a lot...


Answer

If your girlfriend is that guilty about having foreplay, it would be good for you both to temporarily put the brakes on sex. Meanwhile, she needs to start talking about her feelings of guilt.

She needs to examine where the feelings come from (no pun intended). Was she raised in a religion that proscribes sexual activity before marriage? If a strict religious upbringing isn't causing her guilt, then I would wonder if she has been sexually molested. Guilt feelings around sex are a common byproduct of sexual molestation.

Because the human body is wired for pleasure, it is common for a person to feel sexual pleasure when he/she is being molested. Feeling pleasure leads to tremendous confusion and guilt (since I had pleasure, maybe I asked to be abused?). If she can't get to the bottom of her guilt and work it through by talking with you, then she will need to see a therapist, a.s.a.p..

Meanwhile, sex would be best left on hold. If you continue to have sex followed by these guilt reactions, she may feel tempted to break up with you in order to avoid the discomfort. Let me know how you both make out after some talks have transpired.

- Doctor Love

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