Your Girlfriend Has Pulled the Plug on Hugs. . . and Oral Sex

It sounds like your girlfriend is quick to engage in black and white thinking (if you want sex that can only mean that you only care about the physical side of your relationship). You need to help her to see that being frustrated about your sagging sex life hardly negates your feelings for her on other levels. Because you are afraid that she will misread you, start by saying, 'I am afraid that what I am about to say will be misread and I ask you to be open minded as you listen to what I am about to say . ' Next deliver what I call a Disclaimer, which is a positive, supportive statement that helps emotionally prepare your partner for the confrontation to follow. Your Disclaimer would sound something like, 'You know how much I care for you and that I even see myself marrying you in the future. . . ' Now that she is feeling held emotionally, she should be receptive to what I call the Problem Statement or X, Y Formula (I felt X, when you said or did Y). Your Statement would sound something like, 'I am feeling afraid to tell you that I am missing sex with you because I think that you will feel that I only want you for sex and nothing else. ' If she is a very fragile person, the use of the word 'you' in your Problem Statement may be more than she can handle. In which case, reword the statement so the word 'you' doesn't get said. For example, 'I am afraid to say that I am frustrated sexually for fear that my words will be taken as a sign that I don't care at all and only want sex. '

Once you get her talking on the subject, you will hopefully be able to come up with an arrangement that is acceptable to you both. For example, if she really can't tolerate giving you oral sex, perhaps she would be willing to stimulate you manually. If you need more help on navigating your conversation through to resolution, I encourage you to read my book, which will teach you everything you need to know about resolving this as well as any future conflicts that will arise. I have to say that you are probably going to need to honestly examine whether you are both sexually compatible.

Your girlfriend seems to have an aversion to giving as well as receiving pleasure. If she isn't interested in recognizing and resolving her issues in this arena, then you may be signing on for a lifetime of frustration. Be very careful before you commit.