Your Girlfriend Sleeps with Her Five Year Old

The issue here is not whether or not it is healthy or normal that Leslie sleeps with her daughter on occasion (many parents sleep with their kids on occasion). The issue is that you aren't comfortable with the little girl wandering into your bedroom. I hear loud and clear that you want to convince Leslie that sleeping with her daughter is not right and you want to find a sure way to keep the kid in her room at night so that you both can sleep naked. I can tell you how to achieve this goal, but it isn't going to happen by focusing on behavior (for example, by pressing Leslie to stop sleeping with the child or by forcing the kid to stay in her room, etc. )

The solution to this problem is only going to come when you identify, discuss, and resolve both Leslie and the child's emotional issues. If you try to force Leslie to change what she is doing, she is going to become resistant and resentful and you may lose the relationship. I know that you think that Leslie's periodic slumber parties with her child are encouraging the child to wander in on other nights. I don't think that the two are related. It sounds to me as though the child used to stay in her room on the nights when they weren't sleeping together, which explains why Leslie used to sleep naked in the past.

So we need to understand why the child has begun wandering into her room? What has changed? The answser seems clear: You came on the scene. If we are going to change the child's wandering ways, we must first understand the feelings that are causing her to come to her mother 's bed at night. I think that the child must feel threatened or frightened that she is going to lose her mother to you. Don't forget, the child has already been abandoned once by her biological mother, and she is surely afraid to be dropped again. Coming into her mother 's room is a symptom of the child's anxiety and her need for reassurance.

If you truly love this woman, you are going to need to help her to help the little girl work through her fears. The child is part of Leslie and if you want her, you are going to need to take on this child. If the child feels that you care about her, her anxiety will abate and she won't need to wander in for reassurances. If you bar the child from the room, the child will see you as a threat, as someone who is taking her mommy away, and she will become even more clingy.

You and her mother must talk to the child about her fears and feelings. As she discusses them and works them through during her waking hours, she should feel less anxious at night. The child needs to also be reminded by her mother that even though you are in her life, you will never take mommy away from her. She will always be mommy 's little girl and will never be abandoned again. We also need to address Leslie's feelings as well. Leslie is clearly identified with the helpless little orphan. Perhaps Leslie felt emotionally orphaned as a child and it is probable that she is giving to this child all the love that she lacked in childhood. If you try to rip this bond away from Leslie, you could end up the loser.

You are going to need to find a way for Leslie to meet her own needs for closeness with this child without threatening the connection with you. You might ask her for her own suggestions on how you can accomplish the end of making you feel welcome while still meeting Leslie's needs vis a vis the child. If you feel that she is using the child to drive a wedge between you, talk about it with her. Ask her if this is her intent? Is she afraid to get too close to you? Is she afraid to be abandoned just like her daughter was? The more the issues are on the table, the more chance you have of resolving the problem at hand.

As for your feelings, these can't be discounted. You need to feel like this woman is making room for you, in her heart and in her bed. Perhaps they can find a way of modifying their physical contact so that it doesn't interfere with your nights together. Maybe mom and daughter can introduce a bedtime snuggle ritual that gradually becomes a substitute for their occasional sleeping together. The key is, the change needs to be discussed and agreed upon by all parties (including the child); the change needs to occur gradually, so the child doesn't feel traumatized, and there needs to be a lot of talking and listening to each other 's feelings as these changes occur.

Listening and understanding each other 's feelings is the only way for the three of you to accomodate your various needs. If you treat each other with love and consideration, you should be able to find a solution that is healing to everyone.