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Your Girlfriend Wants to Experience Different Things

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/22/2002 - 7:00pm
April 22, 2002

Question

Dear Dr.,

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for two years. Everything was going fine. Then two days ago, on the 20th of april, out of nowhere she tells me that she needs time off from our relationship. she said she was thinking about this a little bit before she went on a trip to Hawai with her school for two weeks. She said that she wants to know what else is out there.

She wants to experience different things that she couldn't because she was going out with me. She dosen't want to be in a serious relationship. Then she says that she dosen't know why she is doing this. I really love her Dr. She was my first kiss and I was hers.

Why do you think she is doing this? DO you think she will decide to come back to me? And if she does come back to me what should I say? Is she going to do this again? I mean she really broke my heart. I haven't cried since I was 5, and two days ago was the first time in a long time.

I hope I never have to cry again. Please help me out. I don't know what to do and I am feeling very lost and helpless. I need your help. Thank you doctor. - John 18 yrs old


Answer

I can see why you are hurting. Your girlfriend has tossed you aside as though you were a bag of magazines that she's already read. It is normal for young people to experiment, and so I am not surprised that she would want to do this.

However, the way she did wasn't considerate of your feelings; she just dumped you without warning. If you access your feelings of anger, you won't feel so lost and helpless. You are feeling lost and helpless largely because she took charge of your life and turned it all around.

In order to feel more in control, you need to take hold of the reins again. You don't sound like you are used to captaining your own ship; instead, you sound more accustomed to letting the other person lead. When you ask what will do if she wants you back, can you see that you are allowing her to take charge of your destiny. What you need to be asking is do I want her back?

In other words, your life needs to be in your hands, and you need to decide where you want to go and with whom. If she decides to try again, you would need to take charge of the situation and put her on trial. You would need to question whether you are willing to be with her (not whether she wants you again). You would need to ask her how you can be sure that she won't up and leave again. You would need to be in charge of the questioning and she would need to do a lot of begging, pleading, and convincing that she has grown up enough to stay this time.

If you are convinced that she is sincere, they you can decide if you want to be with her. Be very careful and take care.

- Doctor Love

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