Your Sex Life is in the Toilet Since the Birth of Your First Baby

I can make some guesses about what may be wrong with your husband, but he needs to confirm these theories himself. He may be depressed, which could explain his tiredness and lack of sex drive.

However, there seems to be more going on here than simple depression. He seems angry and his anger is being expressed in various withholding behaviors such as avoiding sex and not giving you oral sex. How could the birth of your child have caused him to be angry?

If I had to guess I would say that the birth of your child has awakened unfinished childhood business in him. Keep in mind that the material that has been awakened may very well be beyond his conscious awareness. He may not even been aware that he's furious and his withholding behaviors may be discharging his rage before he even realizes that he is mad.

Now, back to what could have been awakened in him. Believe it or not, the birth of a child can remind the new parent of the birth of a sibling when he/she was young. I had a patient whose husband went absolutely crazy when their child was born because it reminded him of the birth of his brother and the loss of his mother's attention. He became filled with anger toward his wife (misdirected anger that was meant for his mother) and not only avoided sex with his wife but also cheated on her by sleeping with her sister.

The point is something has been awakened in him by the birth of your child. If I had to guess I would say that he felt enraged with his mother when a sibling was born and he lost her attention. Perhaps the next sibling came along when he was still an infant and he never resolved the rage that he felt when his mother was ripped away from him before he was ready. This is one possible explanation for his rage and withhholding behaviors toward you.

He needs to actively work on understanding if this is what's wrong, and if not, what exactly is. The question now becomes, how can you help him to face the music? You need to tell him that his answer,'That he's tired and that it has nothing to do with you,' isn't acceptable.

Even if he is convinced that the cause of his behavior has nothing to do with you (that childhood business is fueling his fire), his withholding actions have an effect on you, which makes this your business. He needs to listen to the effect that his behavior is having and he needs to work on understanding what thoughts and feelings are causing his behavior.

If he can't do this work on his own, then he needs to go to therapy now. You need to insist and not allow this behavior to slide, otherwise your marriage will slip away. Let me know how you make out.