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Your Sexual Spark is Getting Dimmer by the Minute

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 10/02/2001 - 8:00pm
in
October 2, 2001

Question

Dr. Love:

Please help! I've been with my boyfriend for a little under two years, and up until recently our relationship has been wonderful in all aspects. He is sweet and charming, not to mention the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on.

Unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worst because I don't have the passion or drive that I used to. And we're still so young! Just 19)

It's ruining our relationship because he feels unattractive, and is desperate to try new things to make me'want him' again. I always have the desire to be near him, to cuddle and hold hands and go out like most couples, but when it comes to sex, I just don't feel like I need it.

And well - he does. I don't want to let him down, but I feel like it's wrong to make love to him out of duty, or simply to keep our relationships out of rocky territory.

Is there something wrong with me? Maybe he's reached his peak and I just haven't, or maybe it could be a chemical imbalance.

All I know is that I used to be so spontaneous and passionate, and my spark gets dimmer by the minute. I want it back! Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks so much.


Answer

You are going to need to look at the problem from various angles in order to decipher why your sex drive is dwindling. The first thing to determine is whether your drive is low when you have sex with your boyfriend, but high when you are alone.

If your drive is poor with him only, then we can suspect that you are either harboring resentment toward him, which dampens sexual feelings, and/or you are holding back sexually in order to dilute the connection (fear of intimacy and closeness, fear of loving and losing through death or abandonment).

If any of these possibilities seem right, then see a therapist and work the issues through. When the issues are resolved, the sexual feelings should return.

You also want to check out how you as an individual (as opposed to you in relationship to him) are doing emotionally. Are you stressed out, anxious, depressed? If so, these types of emotional upsets are sure to ruin your sex drive.

If you determine that a personal issue is troubling you, then get help, resolve it and your sex drive should return. If you can find nothing troubling you individually or relationally, then it's time to rule out medical conditions such as low thryoid function, high estrogen levels, low testosterone levels, adrenal exhaustion, diabetes, and even a yeast overgrowth in the intestines, which dampens one's sex drive.

You would be wise to find a medical practitioner who is holistic in orientation, since some of the problems that affect sex drive aren't recognized by traditional medical doctors.

Let me know what you find out.

- Doctor Love

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