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Your Wife Sleeps With the Toddler Instead of You

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 01/22/2001 - 7:00pm
in
January 22, 2001

Question

Dr. Love, here's my situation, it's this, sex with my wife, is on her terms.

She does not like me on her nipples and she does not like kissing. I think the kissing part has to do partly with her tooth problem.  She may need a root canal and she says her mouth is rotting. In the past she has told me my mouth is dirty but for different reasons when we argue and call each other names. I can understand she does not want to kiss a mouth that is mean to her.

The nipple problem has to do with nursing, I think her nipples get all the sexual stimulation nursing and it becomes not pleasurable after that. I just wonder if it's a problem with not wanting to be intimate how come she allows penetration to the vagina? She does not sleep in my bed. She left my bed when I said kids could not sleep in my bed because that is the marital bed. She now sleeps with the kids. She is nursing, now a two year old and feels nursing is very important for the child's development and natural immunity often feeling she should nurse as oppossed to feeding real food.

She nursed our other two children, the 4 year old till 2 or 3 and the 11 year old until 6 or 7. I am not sure about the 6 or 7 but it seems she only stopped nursing one when another came along, so I just wonder when the 2 year old will stop so she can come back to my bed. I really want to have a normal healthy relationship with my wife and she feels I only want sex but it turns out we only have sex when she is in the bed because that is the only time we are together in the bed.

I would like to wake up or go to sleep holding my wife with no sex but she does not believe this, and I can never prove it because everytime we get in the bed I won't be able to control myself or she won't be able to control herself. Also what's the health risk of having relations during her period? It's messy, yes, but it can also be as enjoyable, especially if you don't have to worry about pregnancy if you don't want to get pregnant.

I feel like it's even more lonely being married in a lonely relationship than it would be being single, divorced, or widowed because after having the connection, physical, emotional, and psychological in a marital context, it's even harder when it stops and you are still married. At least if you were single there would be potentially other possibilities for doing something about it.

Regarding Sex Question for the week of: 01/17/2001, you talk about normal development of self, so my question is how could this all affect development of our 3 children? Do I have any reason to worry? And if I do have reason to worry what can I do about it? In counseling we attended in the past she claims to feel blamed yet she wants to blame, now we just don't talk about it.

Also on the closeness issue, could her own past of seeing her dad leave her mom be causing an even subconscious effect in her that says I will have sex with you but I will not sleep with you, I will not kiss you, and I will not let you have my breasts If this is true how come she makes an effort at times to hug and kiss me in front of the children. If she were to do that in bed when we were alone and I had the ability to respond and reciprocate, that would really be enjoyable. Maybe she is trying to be in control somehow, again subconsciously. If this were true, howcome it was not like that in the beginning and if she really disliked me how come the other night she woke me up and was so excited that I got so excited it was amazing passion. It was sad she was not there in the morning though. . .

I would have loved to give her a kiss before getting up. Thanks in advance for any response you may give.


Answer

This is a very complex question that you have asked. I will try to touch on as many layers as I can.

First, your practical question regarding whether it is safe to have unprotected intercourse during her period. A woman who ovulates irregularly and whose period doesn't occur at regular intervals, could get pregnant during her period. This is because sperm can live in the uterus for up to four days. So, if she were to release an egg right after her period, the sperm that is hanging around could impregnate her. If her period is very regular, then she is less likely to get pregnant during the week following her period.

As for your larger issue regarding your wife's refusal to sleep with you, kiss you, or let you kiss her breasts, it sounds like you are on the right path when you say that your wife is terrified of becoming too close to you. By withholding her breasts, refusing kisses, and not sleeping with you, she is avoiding intimacy on many levels. Apparently she is able to tolerate raw sex when her needs become overwhelming. Otherwise, she holds you at arms length.

Because she was abandoned in childhood, her unconscious mind is programmed to believe that sooner or later loved ones take a hike. By not allowing herself to become too close to you, she is protecting herself, so that she won't suffer as much when you finally leave. While she is terrified of closeness, she yearns for it even more. She has chosen a 'safer' way of obtaining that closeness, by clinging to her children, sleeping in bed with them, and breast feeding them long after they need to be nursed.

By keeping her children bonded to her, she is, unconsciously, providing herself with the bond that was ripped away from her when she was young . Unfortunately, infantalizing the children isn't helping anybody. It isn't curing her wounds and it surely isn't good for the kids. The only way to heal the problem is for her to openly admit her needs and fears. Your wife seems afraid to face these monstrously painful feelings, and instead prefers to engage in behavioral enactments (sleeping with and nursing grown kids). The enactments give her temporary solice, dull her pain, and keep the real issue hidden from her awareness.

Instead of pressing her to sleep in your bed, which will only make her feel more resistant, start by helping her to achieve some awareness about her behavior. Ask her if she can see a link between her dad's leaving and her unwillingness to sleep with you, as well as her wish to sleep with the babies and keep breast feeding them so long.

If you can convince her, go to couples therapy, where she can begin to address her issues in a less head-on way than she would be forced to do in individual therapy. You asked why these problems didn't exist in the early part of your relationship. This is quite common. Most couples find that after about two years into the relationship, the unfinished business of childhood begins to appear. Last but not least, you need to look into your own psyche a bit and find out how your wife's distance serves you.

I know that you hate it consciously, however, your unconscious mind may be obtaining benefits of which you aren't aware. One benefit may be staying with the comfort of the familiar. Were you accustomed to longing after your mother or father? If this is so, then your unconscious mind may be right at home with your wife. If you can recognize how your wife's distance recreates a familiar pattern from your childhood, and you can grow to the point that you no longer need to keep replaying this pattern, then your growth can be impetus for your wife to grow and change.

So start talking with her and sparking her insight, and work on understanding your piece of the puzzle. Let me know how you make out.

- Doctor Love

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