He Yells Rather Than Talks

Your story reminds me of the old therapy joke. How many psychiatric patients does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: One, but he's really gotta want to change!

It's not that he can't calm himself down he WON'T because he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he behaves, nor does he see any benefit to changing his ways.

Your challenge is to help him realize that he actually does want to change; that it's in his own interest to do so! Here's how to get that point across:

First: Choose a calm moment and tell him without crying (which doesn't work with him!) that you were not raised in his culture. Explain that his way of expressing anger is damaging to you. Tell him that his learning to talk to you differently will not damage him; it just involves stretching his psychic muscles. On the other hand, the way he talks when he's angry does damage you. This means that he must change.

Second: Tell him that hurting you is the same as hurting himself. This is because hurting you boomerangs back on him. Why? Because when he hurts you he does irreparable damage to the relationship. Hurting the relationship with the woman he loves is committing suicide. 

Third: Tell him that it's in his interest to talk to you in a way that you can hear. Tell him that you know that he yells to get his point across, but his method isn't working. When you are feeling upset, you shut down and can't hear him. If he wants to be heard, it's in his own interest to talk in a way that will insure that he gets heard.

After you explain why it's in his interest to change, it's time to set the limits:

First let me say that while it is true that there are cultural differences in the way people handle angry feelings, I assure you that not all Italians behave as he and his family does. 

What he needs to see is that even if his entire family yells when angry, the bottom line is who cares. If he loves you, then he should be responsive to you alter behavior that is upsetting.

Inform him that you expect him to be considerate of your feelings even when he's feeling boiling mad. This means that he must only speak to you in a way that is constructive and helpful. 

Tell him that from now on you expect him to use my X, Y Formula, which is the only proper way of communicating when angry. This consists of describing (not expressing, venting, screaming, yellingRaising one's voice during a conflict is a dysfunctional way of behaving. No matter how angry you are, it's vital to learn to control your impulses and never deliver raw rage to another person. When...(Click for full definition.), etc.) what you said or did, how he feels about it and what he would prefer instead.

Conclude your Come to Jesus talk by telling him that from this day forward if he does not speak to you in this way, you will walk out of the room or house.

Once you put him on notice, I expect you to set this limit and stick to it. The next time he misbehaves, you do exactly what you promised you would do. You set the limit and tell him that you will listen to him and try to understand if he speaks properly. If he doesn't stop, then you walk. You give him zero attention, no words or tears; he must receive nothing, nada, niente (that's Italian) from you. He must be frozen out and know that you won't give him ice in winter when he treats you badly. 

I want you to know that any attention will reward his bad behavior. After a few times of your starving him when he misbehaves, he's going to get the idea that if he wants you to hear him he'll have to communicate properly. 

You'll see. This will work. It all depends on you following what I instructed you to do. If you stick to this plan for six weeks straight, no slips, you will have a different life with him.

Hang in there. Hang tough!